He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
