I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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