So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
