Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm passing your future prison.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
