worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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