You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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