So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
