Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Terrible idea I love it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
