She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
