I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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