Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
