I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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