i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
