I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
