why didn't you poke me back
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
