with your own penis?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
