So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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