i need an iv and a liver transplant
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
