good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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