I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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