you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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