My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
