I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
