dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
