Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
