Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
