So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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