You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
worst night to have a conscience
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
