My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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