so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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