i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
smell my finger.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
