Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
