I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
