I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
