we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
