I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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