I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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