spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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