Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
