Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
