Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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