glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
