saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
