dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
