I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
