hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
