Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
