My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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