honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
