I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your penis caused this!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
